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When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
- But it is not the result of having problems, it is the result of feeling inadequate to cope with our problems and the people who present them.
- not only is it natural to expect that we will have problems in living, it is also natural to expect that we all have the ability to cope adequately with these problems.
- we have three major survival coping behaviors—fight, flight, and a verbal problem-solving ability.
- The farce of this manipulative-counter-manipulative interchange is that who goes to the airport, you or Harry, does not depend upon what you want but upon whoever can make the other one feel guiltier.
- As a first step in becoming assertive, you have to realize that no one can manipulate your emotions or behavior if you do not allow it to happen. In order to stop anyone’s manipulation of your emotions or behavior, you need to recognize how people do try to manipulate you. What do they say, how do they act, or what do they believe that controls your emotions and behavior?
- ASSERTIVE RIGHT I You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself
- ASSERTIVE RIGHT II You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses to justify your behavior.
- ASSERTIVE RIGHT III You have the right to judge whether you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
- ASSERTIVE RIGHT IV You have the right to change your mind.
- ASSERTIVE RIGHT V You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them.
- ASSERTIVE RIGHT VI You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
- ASSERTIVE RIGHT VII You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
- “People get so damned frightened if someone threatens not to like them or doesn’t like them. They get paralyzed and don’t function to their own benefit on jobs, with friends, spouses, lovers, dates, etc. Sometimes one feels like telling people: You’ll never be loved if you can’t risk being disliked!”
- In learning how to be persistent, the nonassertive person must not give reasons or excuses or explanations as to “why” he wants what he wants; he needs to ignore guilt-inducing statements.
- This habit is based upon our belief that when someone talks to us, we “should” have an answer and “should” respond specifically to whatever the other person says.